GoodBye 2019

Last day of 2019,and here i am writing to myself.

Lets recap.

To be frank,i'm not sure how 2019 changed my,whether I've been better,still the same me,or I've grew up.Seriously,how do people acknowledge that? I'm really amuse of people whom can measure of their achievement.

The first half of 2019,I think a bit sweet and sour.There are happy and bad moments but one things that still stay with me till today is my self-doubt,my self-hatred,my self-conscious.Oh dear me,please just love yourself,it's okay if people felt uncomfortable or leave you.You must love yourself and always prioritise your own need not other people.

Writing on the last day of 2019 somewhat makes me feel empty,sad,heartbroken because i know that I can do soo much but i'm myself retained my own self to stop doing it.

SELF-LOVE
-still lack of it,which i do not know why.Sometimes the feeling of acceptance by other people really makes me happy but to get that feeling is not easily cause not every people will be around you or love you.So you have to love yourself.
Start making decision my dear self.

Lets focus on 2020 and get all the things that you want to do!

Kashmir in Heart

It has been a week seen i got back from kashmir,but i can't stop thinking about the mesmerizing beautiful place i have been there.The people,place,environment there keep coming back to me every minute.Seeing kids here at Malaysia keep my memory coming back at the kids there at Kashmir.

Ponder on what they were doing right now,are they healthy? Do they miss me as much as I miss them even it's just a brief moment together? Do they already start school? Do they still remember my name?

Oh me, i should really move on.I'm starting university just in a week,need to be mentally and physically prepared about it.It's gonna be a tough,long journey.Am i ready for it?

My trip to Kashmir really opened my heart,mind and eye! My perspective about people around me and about myself is totally different than what i used to think.Albeit the trip was totally upside down due to political issue happened at Kashmir at the moment,i'm still thankful with the time i blend with villagers there :)

Well,it's time to move on dear me,let's work hard and make sure you will be rich so that one day you can come back to the village and donate money to all the kids there  endlessly. InsyaAllah.

My prayers and thought will always be with you kids there and I can't wait to meet you again in the future.Semoga Allah permudahkan segala urusan anda semua .Amin

Akrasia

So i learnt a pharse that i believe is happening to me, it is akrasia.A few minutes ago,i decided to go on google and search for best article.Many choices come up indeed,and i pick one of this suggested article called the akrasia effect hence acknowledge the real meaning of akrasia.Akrasia is doing someting else when you know you should be doing other things that is important for you or in a simplest word,procrastination.

Correct! that was what i have been experienced for the past few days.The need of me to study for a better future of myself but instead i am wasting my time on netflix,youtube,let alone instagram!
I was sooo unbelievably optimistic of what i want to do but then i just got lazy and my mind went straight to by present self instead of thinking about the future me.

Upon reading the article,it suggested 3 strategy in order for you to stop being an akrasia.And suprisingly the first strategy is something that i already did but still it did not work out.
Basically,the first strategy is by having a commitment device.In that article,it says that Victor Hugo,a book writer,told his assistant to lock all of his clothes in a chest and leave him with just a shawl! This was supposed to make sure that he did not go out and just spend time in his home,writing book which is about to reach its deadlines.Hence he succeed in writing the book before the freakin deadlin!

So did i, i do have my commitment device to study,where i move the not used dining table in the kitchen into my room,so that i have a big study space area to do my study.But still I got lazy and my mind just out of order.

So,I will try again,trying to resist the needs of my present self and focus on the future me.

The End.

Time to talk

It's currently semester break! This semester break takes about one month and a half,so basically what I had planned for myself is for a CHANGE.A change to a better me.This are the list that I want to do,let me share

1)Revision for the last 3 module in preparation for pro exam next year.
2)Learn more vocabulary
3)Speak up
4)Love myself more and stop comparing myself with other

Thats it! Oh and good news,yesterday I just got my final semester 2 result and I passed! For sem 2 i got B,sem 1 I got C.That's truly satisfying because I know the amount of blood,sweat and tears I had put throughout the journet :)

So continue,lately I just want to focus on myself and one thing that I notice about myself is that I tend to avoid things rather than face it.For example,when someone whom i am uncomfortable to speak text me,i tend to avoid the message by not opening whatsapp for a day.Then,next day or when i feel like to read the message or sometimes accidently,then i'll face it.

I think that is something i should not do because it seems unprofessional in other way,so i will try to change the habit.
Next, the thing that i don't favour about myself is,i'm not really good in conversation whether orally or virtually.I don't know what to reply to that person,or how to continue the conversation..I think i might be socially awkward at some point.
If any of you guys have any idea how to break the barrier,feel free to drop your opinion below.

And one of my goals is to write more often so that I get comfortable writing and i'm about to make a journal.But lets see how things went

Post Raya 2019

I'm going back to where I belong.To pursue what people call a dream is a difficult things to face especially after a week of holiday.Spending time with family,being lazy all day,having fun with the my nieces is just a splendid things to do.But now,it all comes to an end where everything is coming back to pieces and you gotta face it cause the time won't just stop and it keeps on going.

Raya 2019 is definitely one of my best raya I ever had.Maybe because I actually spent time with my family and we had a great picture together.Its gonna be a moment where i will always cherish it!
However,a week just past like that and people are going back to where we supposed to be and honestly i'm not ready for that.

Oh god,please help me by giving me the peace and guidance towards all the difficulties that I will face.Amin

Loneliness in the middle of the Crowd

Hello,this past few days hit me on how much lonely/alone i am and how my life is actually depend on people.You know sometimes I do realize that I tend to get attached to people,hence I get easily jealous when people around me do not really want to talk to me or they left me because I am not the type of person who if funny or fun to talk with,well I know that.Therefore I get totally upset,why people can't find themselves being comfortable around me? why am I sooo boring that I can actually reply to the conversation or create a conversation? It's total annoyed!

But today,I decide that I dont care anymore.You know what,I am quiet,I am not fun,I am social intovert,I am loser in conversation because that is me!

I dont need to  satisfy other people,I dont need people around me,I can live on my own with the guidance of Allah.Screw them!

So to me,keep strong,you are who you are,that's okay for you to be sad but dont cause it to overwhelm you.Be grateful of what you are and be proud of your true identity,because that is what made you You!